June 2020 – My Mixedness

Time to look in the mirror, Canada.

This is a tough post.

I love Canada. I’m the first Canadian in my family. I have cousins who are Canadian too, now, but many didn’t spend their childhood here.

But, Canada has a troubling history and a troubling present. I see too many of us patting ourselves on the back for our society. Smug, as though we have something over our neighbours to the south. Like the role played in the underground railway somehow gives us a pass as to how Canadian society treated black people once they arrived here? Smug smile, pat, pat. We just hide it better. Which may be worse.

Consider Jagmeet Singh and Alain Therrien. 10 second sound bite: our first and only racialized leader of a major federal party was asked to leave after refusing to apologize for calling Alain Therrian, another MP, a racist. Mr. Singh wanted a unanimous consent of the House to move for a motion recognizing that systemic racism in the RCMP is a thing (hint: it is). Therrian refused to consent, meaning that the motion couldn’t even be heard. Singh called Therrian a racist, yada, yada, yada, he was asked to apologize, he refused. It’s, technically, the refusal to withdraw the remark or apologize for it that got him removed from the Chamber for the day. I gather this is not a wholly uncommon occurrence. There are many takes out there on the interwebs, many defending the actions against Singh based on the rules, that we was well aware of. What is a big question mark for me are these rules. Who made them? (hint: old white dudes) Are they applied properly? (hint: HA!) Should we be reviewing them in light of systemic racism. My spidey sense says, yes, yes we should.

Here’s an example that illustrates the point, though not the complexity of the history: New Brunswick police. In 2014 there was an active shooter that shot 5 police officers, killing three. The white perpetrator was arrested, alive, after a 2 day man hunt. In the last 2 weeks, in New Brunswick, 2 Indigenous people were shot and killed by the police in suspicious circumstances. Chantel Moore was killed during a wellness check. Rodney Levi was just killed just four days ago, so the circumstances aren’t as known, but it appears the police were called to a neighbourhood BBQ that Mr. Levi was invited to. The owner of the home, a pastor, has said he was a ‘welcomed guest’. The specific circumstances of each case are not yet clear. Hopefully the families, the communities and the public will get answers. This is part of a broader conversation, for me at least, as to racialized Canadians, policing, mental health, training, its all part of the conversation around defund the police. This is not an outlier, it’s just an example.

Here’s another current example: Sasha Exeter and Jessica Mulroney. White privilege on display in dictionary definition. Mulhoney is a NAME in Canada. Listen to Sasha’s post and consider the weaponization of white privilege by people, like Amy Cooper, also Canadian. I’m not going to analyze this one, instead I’ll link to Lainey’s breakdown and continuation of the discussion. It’s brave and perfect. Lainey has since been attacked for her own troubling language as it relates to race, misogyny, and a number of inter-sectional topics. It has inspired a lot of thought around cancel culture, that I think will get it’s own post in the near future.

What is clear is that we have a system that is broken. That racialized people are treated differently. That Indigenous people, particularly, need our focus. We (this may be the royal ‘we’, I definitely mean me) are so focused on the US, we don’t realize the equivalent work we need to do here. We need to confront our own problems. Now seems to be the time, folks.

I do want to spend just a quick second on Indigenous history in Canada. I’m not Indigenous. I want to explore my own bias, my own blind spots, my clear and certain privilege. I know I’ve been racist towards Indigenous peoples. I’ve used phrases – like ‘pow-wow’ or ‘circle the wagons’, that are clearly offside. I need to own that and change my own behaviour. If I run from it or hide it, I can’t grow. However well meaning I may be, I need to ensure I’m actively anti-racist, which means owning up to it.

I’m intrigued by what I learned in school. What the curriculum was. There are two areas I will focus on: residential schools and the sixties scoop. Now, I know about residential schools. It leads me to believe I learned of at least their existence in school – I’d be intrigued to hear from teachers as to whether I’m right on that or not as I can’t pin point where that knowledge came from except that I perceive that I’ve known forever. But my interpretation of the ‘evil’ of residential schools was still very white washed. I learned of it as a place where Indigenous children were willingly sent, that it was a place of education, but that it was instigated by well meaning individuals who thought assimilation was the answer. That teaching white history and the English language would HELP the Indigenous children attending become active and thriving members of the community. I recall the language point being sensitive. That when I learned about it, that was considered abusive, but not much else. That’s another reason that I think I learned about this in school, I mean: who else could come up with this shit and have so warped my foundational understanding of these institutions? Even with the added: we were wrong about this one part. Smug smile, pat, pat. Residential schools started in 1880 and we closed the last one in 1996! WTF!

What was eye-opening for me and something I learned about embarrassingly late in life was the ‘Sixties Scoop’. Essentially, it’s a term that describes the common practice to ‘scoop’ all newborn children from mothers on reserves. Although I would say my view of the party line on residential schools had changed significantly by that point, learning about the sixties scoop was a dramatic shift in my understanding of the reality of residential schools. It really made me understand that children were ripped from their homes, kidnapped, robbed of their culture, their siblings, their parents, their elders, taught their fundamental beliefs were wrong, abhorrent, evil. And that’s the published party line part! Let’s not forget the additional hidden abuse these children faced, mental, sexual, physical. You name it. I can’t give the experience the words, I’m not equipped and I can’t truly understand. I can only identify the evil when I see it.

I’ve not done all the reading I want to on this topic. I still have a long way to go in terms of education on these topics. I only want to remind all Canadians, we’re just as bad. This is what should have us rioting. Indigenous people are still feeling all of the effects of the history and the present. Right now, their current situation. How do we not rage? Is it because there aren’t enough Indigenous people left to rally us? Right, that’s part of Canada’s history too. Don’t smug smile, pat, pat. We have to deal with our own legacies. This history is one we should expose, rip open, this history is one we should face, stare at. Where is our rage? Because smug smile, pat, pat? We are worse.

For those wanting an intro course, Missing and Murdered: Finding Cleo, a CBC podcast with the amazing Connie Walker was heart wrenching and taught me more about the direct experience then anything I’ve ever read. Empathy is so important. I also will do some legal analysis into jurisprudence on Indigenous issues, as it exposes a lot of our smug smile, pat, pat behaviour.

Foodies.

I’ve been thinking about this post, I love to cook. I think I’m fairly decent at it. I hope that in the future some posts will be some recipe posts or perhaps some blow by blow of recipe attempts.

I was really pulled into the whole Chrissy Teigen / Alison Roman drama. First of all, I don’t really want to equate them by acting like they’re equals. To me, Chrissy Teigan > Alison Roman. I like Chrissy Teigan, yes, I know she has some mean girl issues with her past posts. I’m pretty sure we’re all guilty of something offside on the internet. Where’s the line that we’re willing to forgive and still like vs. cancel? No idea. I still like Chrissy and her spicy miso pasta is FUCKING DELICIOUS and annoyingly easy to make.

Anyway, that was a bit of a catalyst to work through some of my feelings around food and food influencers. This became especially true with all the things going on at Bon Appetit. Here’s some pre-reading for those of you who may not know the story. The food world has issues. The BA debacle is race based, but there are also major misogyny issues in the food world. I know that directly from my years as a waitress/bartender but also just look at the numbers – women are underrepresented. This post is about food appropriation. I can’t tackle it all at once.

Food is complicated for me. As mentioned, I love to cook. It’s also directly linked to my 6 year old self’s dawning realization that I didn’t belong. The child of immigrants coming from a different culture, I thought we ate ‘weird’ food when I was a kid. I didn’t get KD (I asked my mum for it once: she went and bought a box, took one look at the package of orange powder and made me rice and beans instead); we didn’t have turkey dinner on holidays; my house / clothing would often smell like curry or pelau (which involves smoking brown sugar). My mum would make homemade burgers when I asked for McDonalds. It was the first moment of understanding that I was different and I hated it, I hid it, I was ashamed of it.

Now, of course, I feel very differently. I cook the things I rejected, I love those things, the smells make my mouth water and my heart swell. I love my mum for instilling in me the importance of cooking from scratch. I also make KD way more than an adult with no kids should, and I love making turkey dinner on holidays for my extended family.

So, things are probably different for kids today. Being a foodie is a thing. But let’s debate things like this. Who gets to speak ‘for’ food? Why are we watching white people gain fame and wealth from food that comes from minority cultures? Shouldn’t that minority culture reap the modern benefits?

My conundrum is this: food tends to be better when it’s fused. We need to draw inspiration from each other, it makes our food better! In Trinidad, for example, the food is legendary. It’s a mashup of some predominant cultures – chinese, african and indian. It’s evolved into it’s own cuisine. Where would we be if we were forced to have hard lines between these cultures. Would I have my pelau? chicken stew?? callaloo??? buljol???? What about dalpuri or paratha? heaven forbid, doubles? I’m AGHAST at the thought.

BUT. How do I feel about someone not of my culture introducing my food to the world in a way that makes it trendy, gaining them fame? Then, to see those same (white) people who I was hiding my lunch from posting pics of their creations as though they’re their own? How do I feel when I see the inauthentic recipe they followed adding curry powder directly to a dish without frying/toasting it? WHAT. THE. FUCK. are you doing?

But I also think about it from the flip side – some (but absolutely not all) of the best chefs are french trained. Applying that classic french technique to their own food has caused evolution. Is that a bad thing?

Here’s where I think I land – I like to experiment, I like to try new things, I will not stop trying and learning. I’m happy to incorporate those new techniques or flavours into my everyday in any way that works for me. I think, though, making something at home, for me or my family, is different. If I were to introduce a cuisine to the public, by way of a blog, or a TV show, or a video, it’s incumbent upon me to learn it’s history – heaven forbid even have someone from that culture contribute and give context to the food they’re making and it’s origins. So I guess I do have a beef with the food influencers and their appropriation but not as much with the people who make the recipes. Though, in an ideal world you would do some research on the people you’re getting your recipes from and choose better. Just in general how about we follow more racialized influencers? They have a harder time gaining legitimacy on social network platforms than white influencers do because, racism.

Ultimately though, if this helps kids these days be proud of their weird smelling clothes and lunches instead of that stomach churning shame, I can’t hate on it too much. Thoughts?

Black. Lives. Matter.

I can’t fucking believe we have to reiterate that black lives matter. No mother fucker, not all lives, black lives. This subject is rife with assholes. I feel ok disagreeing at assholes. By definition, they’re not willing to disagree with me.

I’m not black, so this is not my story to tell. I want to provide some links that have proven useful to me. I will at some point in the future write a post on being an ally. I just don’t think now is the time for anyone to listen to me when you should be compiling your own primary source materials. Just don’t be an asshole and demand black people teach you anything. Here’s some ways to educate yourself, that I’ve found useful in my own learning:

Trevor Noah’s explanation and logic is flawless. He exemplifies the concept of space between the words. His mixedness with the backdrop of apartheid inspires me. He has a podcast too. I’ve listened to snippets here and there but have not yet subscribed to Luminary. It’s on the list. If you don’t already, I recommend following his social media accounts.
I know everyone is saying it, but Ava DuVernay’s documentary 13th on Netflix is mandatory viewing in my book. And guess what? Netflex made it free for everyone, no excuses.
If you’re in Canada, there are black organizations and anti-racist groups you can support with your time, or your money, or better – both. I like this Huffington Post list, but I’m sure others are easily findable.
Words matter. Having the basic understanding of terms is essential to this discussion. I really liked this explanation of how some people confuse racism and prejudice.
My goal is to try to tackle this reading list. There are many others like it out there. Just find some well respected books that challenge your perceptions.
Or, if sometimes books are just SO MANY WORDS! and you’d prefer to do your research in video form, here’s a good documentary list to start with. It’s created for Australia / NZ but the subject matter is broader OR look at this list of BLM books, they read them aloud!
If there’s a debate going on around you, learn about it. For example, do you really now what it means when people advocate to defund the police? It’s important to understand the idea before you offer your support for or against it.
I’ve got a thing for spending power. We have a choice to show our approval for social positions with our wallet. Make sure you do the research. Instead of linking to anything, I suggest you search for “black owned businesses near me” and spend accordingly. Then you’re spending locally as well. If not spending at a black owned business, do some research into whether the businesses you support are true allies. Sometimes they lie.
I’m personally really enjoying this series on youtube. Emmanuel Acho and uncomfortable conversations with a black man. I hope that he has some intersectional conversations and include black women, but given how some celebrity videos (that I refuse to even link to) are going, good for Matthew McConaughey for using his voice this way.

One additional note, I choose not to use the Black Lives Matter hashtag. I don’t think it’s my brand to curate. In researching how to be a good ally, I came across this post about Virtual Protesting 101. It includes some ways to use your digital voice in a way that doesn’t detract from the core message or the voice of black people. I love how K-Pop fans just banded together to use the internet against itself. While I will write a post about my own path to being a useful ally, here’s a really good resource to help you in your own research.

Hello world!

I’m so new at this, I’m keeping the default title given to me by WordPress. I kind of like it. Hello world.

I tried to start a blog years ago. I find myself with so much to say and no outlet to say it. Even if no one reads this, it will enable me to channel my thoughts and organize my feelings. That’s a bonus. I’ve gone all in on My Mixedness. Like, I’m paying for a domain on a website. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep this going. Clearly my failed attempt years ago didn’t stifle the desire to speak. I will, in this post, explain my thesis for starting My Mixedness but I will then, immediately, pivot about the future of this blog.

What do I mean by My Mixedness? Merriam-Webster (shout out to their twitter, it’s the best) defines mixedness as: the quality or state of being mixed. That’s what I find myself thinking about a lot lately (2020. Enough said). My Mixedness. I recently joined an online community for mixed race persons and my mixed race wasn’t even in the drop down box of options. That’s disheartening. You can read about me here.

So, my thesis is this: [mixed race persons are in a position to foster discussion and understanding between the races]. It’s in square brackets because that’s the universal signal for lawyers that the content is under review; it’s subject to change and refinement. It’s a start.

To be clear, there are some mixed race persons who clearly identify with one race over the other, I have no desire to define any persons experiences. I also have no desire to tell a person how they have to contribute to this discussion. So, I suspect this list will grow as this evolves, but:

If you’re mixed race and you identify as one race only, cool with me.
If you’re mixed race and you don’t buy into this thesis, cool with me. Actually, if you’re any race and you don’t buy into my thesis, cool with me.
If you’re not mixed race and you think you can help in a similar way, cool with me. I think there are likely similar experiences and lessons to be learned with mixed race families that include an individual who is a different race from their parents, but this category is not limited to that example.

I’m here to write about My Mixedness only. I’m not here to be a saviour, nor are mixed people in general. I know they’ve been seen as such in history, and I’m not here to support that position. I am here to learn, listen and open a dialogue for collective growth and to contribute in some way to the conversation. My only rule is don’t be an asshole.

I’ve lived my whole live with a foot in each world but never with a unified identity, i.e. both feet. As a result, I’ve never felt truly included anywhere, which sucks. But I do feel like I understand the behaviour in both worlds, except for the assholes. I will try my utmost not to be an asshole. My intentions are always pure but sometimes we can be blindsided by our own ignorance. I will endeavour to learn, as I go, how not to be an asshole and to allow my own definition of what is an asshole to evolve.

I ask myself, in the year that is 2020, what can I do? First, I can shut up and listen, which we should all be doing. But, what else can I DO? I yearn to be a meaningful part of a solution. What if I speak openly and without fear about my views, my experiences and how My Mixedness has defined and formed the foundation of all of it. What if I put both feet in that world? Maybe, just maybe, I can be a contributing member of a conversation that is sorely overdue. Hopefully the worst case scenario is that no one reads this and the act of doing it helps me to grow.

I’m doing this passively, so you can ignore me if you choose. I’ll just hit publish and see what happens.

Now, the pivot, this is me. I reserve the right to write about other shit and, maybe, for this blog to pivot entirely to other shit. I still think that My Mixedness has defined and formed the foundation of all of it so I’m feeling ok about the domain purchase.